Category: zen habits

Many people end up going through life, allowing themselves to be weighed down by feelings of anger, hatred and resentment. Being treated unfairly or whenever we feel wronged or less valued by others, we experience resentment. And most of us get trapped in such experiences.

Resentful thoughts have such power over us that we can become immobilised at times. The fact is that we can’t control how we are treated by others, or their attitudes or behaviours. We are bound to get hurt by acts of injustice, discrimination or when we experience unfair treatment. 

As human beings, we are meaning making machines. We tend to assign meaning onto our experiences. So, the meaning that we assign onto our experiences generally determines the beliefs we develop about what we can, whether we are worthy or whether we are good enough.

Unhealthy interpretation of resentful experiences can make you constantly feel negative, undesirable or unvalued. And in most circumstances, we let such experiences make us powerless to self-regulate.  Since we assign negative meaning to our resentful experiences, they further amplify negative emotional states. It manifests in to numerous ways as desire for revenge, hostility, bitterness, hate, self-loathing and vengefulness.  

“Bitterness and resentment only hurt one person, and it’s not the person we are resenting, it’s us.” — Alan Stewart

Resentment & victimhood 

Resentment can be extremely damaging both emotionally and physically. Resentful thoughts do not just stay confined to our headspace, but often spill into other areas of our life.

Most of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because we tend to find some element of  security in familiar pain. It feels safer to embrace what we know than to let go of resentful thoughts or feelings for the fear of unknown. But this not only negatively impact the way we communicate and relate to others, but also get us accustomed to rigid thinking patterns. 

Resentful people blame others for their uncomfortable emotional states. They function out of victim mindset in their personal or work relationships. Self-victimisation further breeds a sense of entitlement. This makes them perceive as world against them.

Victimhood turns them into attention seekers, and constant complainers. You find such people constantly complaining about how bad things are, or how insensitive people are to their needs. They blame others for their life’s ups and downs, and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

Carrying negative attitudes like, ‘world is mostly unfair’ or ‘I am not valued’ often results in ‘poor me’ strategy to seek validation or to get sympathy from others. Attributing whatever happens to external factors only or some fated force outside of their control only increases their resentment further. The prolonged feelings of displeasure or indignation can sometimes become habitual and have a lasting effect on your mind and body. 

Self-esteem & Resentment 

Resentful thoughts can come from different means. When someone wrongs us, or when they are not apologetic for their actions. They could even be caused by rejection or when someone does something unjustified.

When you remember past unfairly treatment, it results in viewing other similar situations in negative perspective. Negative self-talk prevents you from living a congruent and valuable life. With resentful thoughts, one cannot step into their future and do something useful or valuable. 

However, people with high self-esteem might be less affected by any instances of unfair treatment. They are not hesitant to confront those who treat them unfairly. And those with low self-esteem on the other, might care too much about how others perceive them.

Since they look for external validation, they often are not able to communicate their needs or let others know when they feel they are hurt. Low self-esteem makes you hold onto resentful experiences for long towards that person or situation. Over-fixation on past experiences keeps you in a disempowered state.

Resentment and emotional brain

Even though we think of emotions as internal states, they are also a combination of thoughts, feelings and actions. They are also because how we process and respond to those feelings. Resentment can be a tough emotion to deal with. Where sadness, joy, fear and anger are considered as primary emotions. The reactions we have to these emotions are what leads us to secondary emotions. 

Secondary emotions can be further broken down into tertiary emotions. Resentment is considered as tertiary emotion. For instance, it can result as one reacts in rage, which is secondary emotion, to an experience that causes anger. It can also be the result of other secondary emotions like disappointment, envy, disgust or irritability. Such harsh negative emotions hamper your present moment awareness, unless one makes a conscious effort to choose to release resentful thoughts. 

Living without resentment 

It is difficult to let go of resentment, especially, when the person who wronged you has not apologised. Sometimes you resent others because of your own doing. You think you let your guard down or blame yourself for trusting someone and not being able to see the situation coming. There are some things that can’t be forgiven. While it is normal for such instances to arise from time to time, however, holding on to it would only keep you stuck in many areas of your life.

Carrying your unresolved issues weighs you down. Forgiving on the other hand, reduces resentment as well as helps prevent future negative feelings which are important for your well-being as well as to maintain healthy relationships. Unless you let go or forgive yourself, or the other person, you cannot really be available to your present moment. 

Letting go comes from a place of forgiveness and leads to self-empowerment rather than self-victimisation. This helps to repair and renew relationships. Creating a space of acceptance and letting go of past experiences and forgiving people or situations will set you free from pent up anger or resentment. Some experiences are easy to let go and for some you need time. But with conscious effort to let go of your negative emotions, you can free up your mental space to harness self-compassion. 

To-do

  • When an other person is responsible for your feelings of resentment, try to understand the motive behind their actions. If it was unintentional, or their actions were never meant to hurt you in any way, forgiving them reduces the way you feel about such experiences.  If you think it is intentional, or that their behaviour is unjust, let them know their behaviour was unacceptable. This provides an opportunity the others in your life to not to make the mistakes again in future.
  • If you are holding onto bitterness for long time, understanding how it is keeping you stuck in other areas of your life helps you move on. Practicing compassion towards self and others allows you to accept yourself as you are, including your hurtful emotions. It allows you better tolerate negative feelings. Considering your own resentful experiences in bigger perspective of life as a whole, you can let go of your long held resentment.
  • Nonjudgmental awareness of present moment, or mindfulness provides an opportunity to acknowledge and accept negative thoughts and feelings. Acceptance in a nonjudgmental manner reduces secondary emotional reactions which are a primary sources of resentful thoughts and feelings. 
  • View everyone’s experience as unique and be empathetic. Empathy reduces harsh feelings or hostility we have towards other people. Listening to understand rather than judge others for whatever they say or do alleviates feelings of anger. 
  • Practice gratitude for all the things you have and your achievements. Cultivating thankfulness leads to accepting the situation as it is. This way, you are allowing yourself to be happy and can get fully involved in the process of moving forward without being obsessed with long pent up emotions. 

Here are few famous quotes and sayings that may inspire you to change and let go of resentment 

“The suffering itself is not bad; it’s the resentment against suffering that is the real pain.”— Allen Ginsberg 

“Never hold resentments for the person who tells you what you need to hear; count them among your truest, most caring, and valuable friends.” — Mike Norton

“I eventually came to understand that in harbouring the anger, the bitterness and resentment towards those that had hurt me, I was giving the reins of control over to them. Forgiving was not about accepting their words and deeds. Forgiving was about letting go and moving on with my life. In doing so, I had finally set myself free.” — Isabel Lopez

“Never dwell in resentment, but never forget to learn from the reflection.” — Debashish Mridula

“If you have high expectations you’re going to get resentments and all kinds of tension.” — Anthony Hopkins

“Forgiveness is the way we break the grip that long-held resentments have on our hearts.” — Sharon Salzburg

“When you carry resentment towards another, you are effectively strengthening your relationship with that person. Let go of the resentment and you break the ties that blind you.” — Steven Aitchison

“Instead of wasting my energy on hate and resentment, I’d rather invest my energy in love and contentment. “ — Karen Salmansohn

 “Letting go helps us to to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.”
– Melody Beattie

“Intuition does not come to an unprepared mind.” Albert Einstein 

We as human beings have a tendency to function from a place of reason or emotion. When we view the world through either lens, we operate out of objective understanding of things or relating to something that can be known and thereby miss out on the big picture. In reality, we are always moving from known to the unknown whether we are conscious to such phenomenon or not. We are always guided by some degree of intuition. And this holds true even for most mundane tasks to making some important decisions. 

There’s always an intuitive understanding of things. It is only that some of us take long to figure the way our intuition is paying out, but it kinds of stands ready to guide our way through, especially in risky situations or when it comes to being safe. 

Intuition is the intelligence of subconscious mind. 

Our intuition is the ability to gain immediate understanding of things without conscious reasoning. It also called the ‘gut feeling’, or ‘sixth sense’. Our five senses and certain spiritual traditions use the concept of the third eye to explain our intuitive ability. It is considered as a window to higher realms of knowledge and consciousness. Like our five senses that point us outward into the world, which are direct experiences,  intuition is also considered as a direct experience.

We toggle back and forth between our conscious and intuitive mode of thinking based on the situation. We all probably would have had such an experience at some point in our lives. Like for instance, whenever we react to a new idea, or to decide under stress, we tap into our intuitive ability to check whether it is good or not. Such abilities are quite evident in situations where one needs to make decisions in a very short time. This is because our learning mind takes longer to process the learned information, analyse it,  or to come up with a logical reasoning to put two and two together in order to come up with an answer or a decision.

On the contrary, our intuitive mind which operates below the surface of our consciousness tends to figure things out much before they play out. We reach conclusions without weighing every single evidence and considers only what could be gathered in a glance. 

Such intuitive abilities are also referred to as adaptive consciousness in cognitive psychology. It is the ability with which we quickly and quietly process a lot of information. Intuition depends on the collection of all your subconscious experiences. Its use isn’t for deriving information from the outer world, but is mainly a tool to develop a deeper understanding of our true nature. The more intuitive you get, the more you can be a direct witness to the happenings all around you and so will be your ability able to navigate any situation with a sense of clarity.

Even though adaptive consciousness is considered as a new field, its applications could be dated back to ancient days. For instance, it was used to make decisions instinctively as part of our survival mechanisms. Inventors or scientists had to tap into their intuitive abilities to come up with some groundbreaking discoveries or predictions without any prior knowledge. They could make very quick judgments based on their intuitive knowledge as there was very little information available to them at that time. All of their work strongly suggests the presence of intuitive mind, which can grasp information not accessible to anyone else.

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.

Albert Einstein

Intuitiveness activates the Wise mind 

It is true that most of our intuitive abilities are taken for granted in today’s world as we are becoming more and more dependent on technology to gain information quickly. Also, most of us are taught to think logically, and our minds are conditioned through habitual thinking patterns to interpret what is already known. Such conditioning only makes us unaware of the intelligence of our subconscious. No matter how deep or extensive our knowledge may be, it cannot direct us to more than what is contained in the knowledge. But to know intuitively is to tap into our wise mind.

As human beings, we operate from three states of mind —the reasonable mind, the emotional and the wise mind. We all possess each of these states, but the majority of us operate in a specific one most of the time. When we grow in knowledge and experience, we often approach things rationally or approach situations intellectually. We use mostly the reasonable mind to weigh in on facts, information and ideas. Relying heavily on reasonable mind however can keep us stuck in opinions and endless debate sometimes. 

We use the emotional part of our mind when feelings control our thoughts and behaviours. Emotional mind doesn’t necessarily work with facts, but it generally works on a perception of truth. It is our emotional mind that makes us react impulsively at times and give little consideration to the consequences. The wise mind is the balance between the reasonable and the emotional mind. With wise mind, one can emotionally regulate themselves, and analyse information rationally to make mature choices or decisions. 

However, just as we must pedal to start a bike rolling, we must be willing make an effort to initiate the wise mind. And our intuition is what steers us towards the wise mind. We can use our intuitive knowledge to develop a sense of inner confidence to calm emotions in the heat of internal conflict or to find clarity of choice when confused. The wisdom comes in a flash or as a sudden revelation when our intuitive abilities are stronger.

Intuition requires a deeper level of receptivity and awareness 

Intuitive mind can help us see any given situation in a manner that our learning mind cannot conceive. It helps us to better understand situations that are exceedingly complex where reasoning falls short. So, if you think that your rational mind and reasoning gets you no where, or keeps you stuck, you can always rely on deeper part of our brain, that is your intuition. It better complements our learning mind and can be at times proves to be more valuable than a mind full of accumulated knowledge and information. But to strengthen it, you need a certain degree of trust and faith to leave the comfort of accumulated knowledge and information. 

When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.

Kahlil Gibrain

Intuition is more active when our thoughts are inactive, and the mind space is transparent and more open. In other words, we strengthen our intuitive abilities when our thinking mind is off, and the receiving mind if open and free. It works best when the mind as a whole is at an receiving end.

Since intuition comes instinctively and does not interpret of what only comes through knowledge, it is important to strive towards emotional or self-regulation. When one becomes more emotionally self-regulating, their intuitive self can lead them to right choices, ideas and towards their higher potential. 

It is also equally true that our intuition may not always shines through. Our intuitive abilities sometimes can go wrong as they often have to compete with all kinds of validations, interests and feelings. It is however possible to identify the reasons when our intuition goes wary, or to learn when or when not to listen to our first impressions and snap judgments. And this requires self-awareness and assigning as much value to our intuitive abilities as we do to our learning mind.

Self-awareness opens up the mind space by breaking down old habit patterns thereby making us more receptive.

The more you trust your intuition, the more empowered you become, the stronger you become, and the happier you become.

Gisele Bundchen

To-Do: 

  • Intuition needs no external props or equipment. Since intuitive understanding manifests in right environment, it is important to declutter your mind by disconnecting with other sensory distractions. New ideas and insights may start to come intuitively once you learn to sustain inner peace and patience. Adopt a more peaceful and relaxed participation in life. The more relaxed you are, the more your usual dominant, logical left brain steps back and your intuitive capacities come forward.
  • Negative emotions prevent you from picking up intuitiveness of your subconscious. Through self-reflection, you can build inner awareness of your self-sabotaging beliefs, thoughts and feelings. By developing a daily contemplative practice, you will be able to reframe negative patterns with helpful thought patterns attuning you to clarity.
  • If you want to build your intuitive abilities, and make better decisions, control what you chose to focus on or disengage from. Practice attention control through your present moment awareness. The attentiveness to the present moment frees you up to go beyond your analytical mind to hear your deeper self in a more intuitive way. Another way to connect to your present moment is through conscious breathing. This is when we are most in alignment with our intuition.
  • Trust your intuitive messages when you feel uncertain or doubtful. One way to do so is to listen to your basic self through your physical senses and emotions. The better you can see, feel, or hear the inner guidance, the better equipped you will be in accessing your intuitiveness. Be receptive and open to notice subtle things that pop up in order not to let your emotions or others’ opinions cloud your judgment. 

Intuition activates our wise mind that is needed for our highest good and learning. It may not however tell you what you want to hear, but it will tell you what you need to do, to be able to navigate any situation with a sense of ease. 

Contentment: Path to fulfilment

We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without. Immanuel Kant Our mind’s tendency to always be in a state of desire leads us to a state of discontent where we are always seeking that which we do not have. We feel dissatisfied and unhappy as long as our… Continue reading Contentment: Path to fulfilment

Find yourself in aloneness

Loneliness is the poverty of self ; Solitude is the richness of self. May Sarton Being alone is a frightening idea to many of us, one that we will do anything to avoid. Most of us are not open to the idea of being alone as we view it as a negative experience or perceive… Continue reading Find yourself in aloneness

Self-acceptance: The key to happiness

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. Beene Brown True happiness is in understanding self and accepting your imperfections. We all experience discontentment, frustration or anger in life for various reasons. The common reason… Continue reading Self-acceptance: The key to happiness

The Beginner’s Mind

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” – Shunryu Suzuki As children, we all start off with beginner’s mind living with spontaneity, not knowing or not being sure of, yet fearless and totally available to the moment. But as we grow and become familiar of things, mind… Continue reading The Beginner’s Mind

A ‘right’ state of mind

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.” The subconscious mind of a person can have both good and evil. The evil gets attracted to the dark thoughts whenever it can find the chance to catch a person off-guard and can take control of a person’s mind.… Continue reading A ‘right’ state of mind