Find yourself in aloneness

Loneliness is the poverty of self ; Solitude is the richness of self.

May Sarton

Being alone is a frightening idea to many of us, one that we will do anything to avoid. Most of us are not open to the idea of being alone as we view it as a negative experience or perceive being alone as lonely. But in reality, spending some time in silence destroys all that is false. You discover your true self only in aloneness. Neither the work places, nor family or friends define who you truly are. As part of the society, friends or even as part of a family, we live with a false sense of identity, one that is imposed upon us gradually since childhood. Our true sense of self is often hidden beneath a false sense of belongingness.

We are moulded into a particular mental structure by our environment, social structure, education and subsequently by the religion we are told to follow. We are so accustomed to living with this false identity and comfortable living in a crowd that the moment we are alone, it becomes difficult and the mind always engages in seeking more of this or that to add to itself to make itself feel more complete. Very few seek moments of silence as we live in age of noise, and people are desperate to have their voices listened to or heard. We think, it is how we get the attention of others and we fear that if we were to become silent we shall simply left behind. This is the reason the moment of aloneness turns out as a scary situation to be in.

Aloneness destroys our false identity

Aloneness is our intrinsic nature and is not given by society, family or education. However, most of us try to escape it as the false identity appears to be soothing. Our real self is our natural state and is always waiting to be rediscovered. As Henry David Thoreau wrote in his essay ‘Solitude’ , solitude is not isolation, rather it is much more about introspection and self-observation. Thoreau discovered the true power of solitude during two years he stayed alone and compiled his experiences in his book, ‘Walden’’. The book is a reflective account of his time spent living simply in natural surroundings. He strongly voiced the fact that focusing inward rather than chase the excess of and deep introspection is the true gift of a prosperous man.

Aloneness is door to enter into our innermost core of being and destroys that which is false. When you trust the voice within, you find your inner strength core of being, joy, bliss, peace and learn how to become a great companion to oneself. Instead people are more persuaded by their false identity and seek to sanction from others or conform to others rather than spending some time in aloneness. Even when we are alone, we create enough distractions so not to notice our true self. We refuse the responsibility of facing our true self and instead choose to preoccupy ourselves with distractions. Of course the very thought of aloneness can be difficult, but without encountering our authentic self, the most blissful phenomenon of life cannot be experienced. When we are in solitude, we realise our natural state and we are one with existence and fully aware of ourselves.

Attachment to egoistic self comes from not identifying your true self

You experience loneliness when you exchange your true self with your egoic self. When our internal reference point is our true self, we experience our true potential, and when our internal reference point is the ego or self-image, we feel cut off from our source, and the uncertainty of events creates doubt and fear. Our ego often gets influenced by objects outside the self, that is our circumstances, people and things. The ego then becomes our social mask, it is the role we are playing, and thrives on the approval of others. Whereas being grounded on the knowledge of true self, you never feel fearful or insecure and evolve into greater abundance and creativity. And aloneness is the way to practice to simply ‘be’ and ‘to connect to your true self’.

Don’t confuse being alone for loneliness

When we confuse being alone for loneliness, we process the experience as a negative thing instead of appreciating time by ourselves. The mere act of being alone with oneself doesn’t have to be bad, and it can even benefit your social relationships, improve your creativity and confidence, and help you regulate your emotions. Choosing to spend time doing things yourself can have mental, emotional and social benefits, but the key to reaping those positive rewards comes from choosing to spend time alone.

How loneliness is described as being alone and wanting company, aloneness is a natural desire for solitude. Solitude helps us discover new interests and ideas without having to worry about the opinion of others. Cultivating this sense of being alone can help you to develop who you are, your sense of self, and what your true interests are. Knowing oneself makes it easier to find other people who share your passions. Time with your thoughts is often restorative, builds your confidence and makes it easier for you to maintain boundaries.

To-Do:

  • The next time you experience loneliness, let that be your cue to get to know your true self. Develop an attitude of gentleness and kindness towards self. Be whatever you are feeling, be it joy, sadness or unhappiness. observe your breath, thoughts and what emotions are triggering your loneliness. When you spend lot of time with yourself, our mind plays expert in making bits of information into a story line. The unfamiliarity of being alone can feel awkward. By cultivating your ability to be okay with being alone, you may come up to appreciate and content with being yourself.
  • Being alone with your thoughts, and giving yourself the space and unstructured time to let your mind wander without social distractions initially can feel intimidating. Don’t make your alone time about other people or obsessively checking social media. In aloneness, you are your first choice. When you contemplate being alone, be honest with your sense of self. Plan out something that you know you will enjoy doing. If you are having hard time listening to the thoughts inside your head, journaling can be a great way of working through and evaluating those emotions.
  • Meditation facilitates silence and aloneness. Take time each day, even if it is for few minute, to meditate, be silent, to connect with your breath, to just be. As you do so, practice nonjudgment to be in harmony with nature and your surroundings. Practice self-acceptance. Remain established in the awareness of your true self. This will give you a sense of unity with all of life, and help you to get in touch with the innermost essence of your being.
  • Be open to exploring new interests. Make space in your life and put in the time, even if it is to just spending 30 minutes. If you are just getting started, take small steps. Time spent alone is a great opportunity to explore new interests, but it doesn’t mean you have to totally push yourself outside of your comfort zone. But if you are at a loss of how to jump in, plan out something that you know that you will enjoy doing, may be that helps you feel more productive or helps you be more relaxed.

Loneliness is a negative state where there is a need to seek the other, while aloneness means a sense of completeness where one is totally entered and rooted in oneself. In aloneness, one is a part of existence and the other is not needed at all. Being aware of your aloneness is key to experience ultimate freedom. Allow yourself the freedom to discover your true self, be patient as you train yourself to do so. Spending more time with yourself increases your ability to recognise the forces in play in your life.

Solitude helps you find peace. Peace helps you find happiness.

Maxime Legace

Self-acceptance: The key to happiness

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

Beene Brown

True happiness is in understanding self and accepting your imperfections. We all experience discontentment, frustration or anger in life for various reasons. The common reason however is non-acceptance and not being able to come to terms with one’s imperfections, conflicting desires, and challenging emotions. Most of us go through our lives like sleepwalkers, never really present in what we are doing, never fully alert to our environment, and not even aware of what motivates us to do and say the things we say. A lack of awareness also is one of the reason why we get taken over by negative emotions which leads to a variety of emotional difficulties, including anger and depression.

When we lack awareness, we struggle to accept what is as it creates resistance and tension with the present moment. We get caught up in self-evaluation rather than self-acceptance and devote most of our attention on how to compensate our perceived personal deficits. Also, sometimes, when we can’t let go of our past unpleasant emotions, we tend to withheld kindness and goodwill toward ourselves and others which makes it difficult to let go of our past imperfect selves. It is a misconception that self acceptance is being passive or giving up because of which we tend to disregard negative or unfavourable experiences, emotions and behaviours.

Non acceptance of self accentuates harsh inner voice that dominates our limiting thoughts, behaviours and negative emotions. To accept what is and who you are takes practice especially when you don’t like your imperfections or negative emotional states. You have to work effectively as best you can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources you have to heal, redirect and change what can be changed.

Self acceptance and self-improvement
Self acceptance is having an awareness of your perceived imperfections and shortcomings, whilst knowing you are worthy and deserving. It is not about fixing any imperfections or flaws in ourselves. Accepting ourselves to improve is what makes it conditional. Whereas self-acceptance is oriented in “here” and “now” and is not future oriented. This does not mean that we should ignore or deny our faults or failings. It is just that we view them as irrelevant to our basic acceptability. Also, accepting ourselves doesn’t mean we will be without motivation to make changes that will make us more effective. With greater self regard, changing our behaviours becomes a matter of preference than a prerequisite.

Instead of thinking, we are only as worthwhile as our latest achievement, by unconditionally accepting ourselves, we are reaffirming who we are with whatever strengths and weaknesses we possess. Instead of assessing and reassessing ourselves, we can then strive to understand our past behaviours nonetheless accept ourselves as we are today. With unconditional positive self regard, we put ourselves in better position to begin improving and commit ourselves to a lifetime of personal growth.

Self-acceptance determines your level of happiness
Happiness is simply a way of being and is based on inner peace. But, too many try to change themselves for other people and this leads to inner conflict. You don’t need to accept yourself. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to fit into other peoples’ version of perfectness, you will struggle to be at peace with what you are. Self acceptance is what keeps you at peace. Therefore, the more you accept of your perfect and imperfect self, the more happiness you will allow yourself to receive and enjoy.

Self-compassion leads to self-acceptance
Only by developing self compassion that you can let go of things that earlier you assumed must be your imperfections or shortcomings. It is through self-compassion that you can learn to like yourself more and view yourself as deserving of love and respect. Reflecting on your feelings of guilt, self-criticism, self-rejection or denial, you gain understanding of what compelled your past actions or behaviours and you will be more likely to be able to excuse yourself for such behaviours or imperfections and avoid repeating it in the future. We can be more self-accepting by taking responsibility of our imperfect actions or behaviours whilst simultaneously being compassionate and forgiving towards ourselves and others.

Mindfulness improves self-acceptance and self-compassion
One of the simplest method to naturally reduce self-evaluation is to develop a habit of mindfulness. When we are mindful, we can be present to both context and perspective. Willingness to let others see one’s true self and being fully in the moment helps you explore the situation you are rather than trying to win approval of others or impressing others. When you are not mindful, you enter a mindless state, where you begin to behave the way others think you should behave thereby distancing yourself from you honest feelings and your ability to be in the moment.

Live mindfully without pretence and without concern that others are judging you negatively. Being mindful leads to flexible and open mindset in which one is less judgmental and rigid. The state of mindfulness encompasses a state of self-acceptance, where one focuses on the acceptance of present experience rather than on self-judgment and self-criticism.

To-Do

True happiness is in understanding self and accepting your imperfections. Pay attention to your thoughts to learn one or two things about your attitude toward self.

  • We all struggle with challenges or uncertainty. We all want to be loved and want to feel good enough. And we all wish some parts of our personality are different. These are all parts of human experience. Bringing to your awareness that you are not the only one helps you to keep up with your imperfections and shortcomings.
  • Take small steps to accept your true self. Try to listen and act on your own internal preferences, needs and wants rather than making choices and living your life from a place of ‘should’.
  • Avoid comparison. It is impossible to have all of that which we admire or appreciate in others. Comparison reduces the value of your unique self. Acknowledge your own accomplishments and achievements.
  • Develop gratitude towards self, contemplate your efforts, achievements and joyful moments. If you feel you don’t have many positive qualities, successes or experiences, remind yourself that it is likely to be the negativity bias of the human nature.
  • Make peace with part of the self that until now you may have been denied or avoiding. Let go of unpleasant past memories. No matter what hurts and deprivations you experienced in the past, you can now reframe your limiting beliefs as rather empowering.
  • Develop self-compassion by focusing more on your positives than negatives. Forgive yourself for your faults, as well as your need for others’ approval. Remind yourself that your weaknesses are part of what makes you human.

To be happy means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. When you allow yourself to be as you are, you can begin to be at peace with things that you are in resistance with and change for better.

An attitude of embracing our perfect and imperfect self rather than resisting is what makes us more receptive and open to the joy of living.

Beliefs: Pathways to change

“ The belief that becomes truth for me…is that which allows me the best use of my strength, the best means of putting my virtues into action.” – Andre Gide

What determines the difference in human actions is the belief we hold onto. Our life is a mere reflection of our beliefs and the power of belief is the driving force of our life. When the conscious and subconscious are aligned, the path towards enlightenment becomes easy. If there is a discrepancy between what we consciously want and what we subconsciously believe we can have, then there’s conflict and frustration and beliefs become limiting factors in moving forward. As most of us do not consciously decide what we are going to believe, our individual or collective beliefs can often be wrong, limiting and misleading. Some of them are generalisations about our past, based on our interpretation of painful and pleasurable experiences and once we adopt a belief, we forget that it’s merely an interpretation.

Beliefs always do not represent what is true and factual. They are based on perceptions of reality and are shaped by our past experiences and environment we live in. Most of our attitude, skills and knowledge are all mere means for the fulfilment of our beliefs. We can only live according to our beliefs and not underperform or outperform them. Whatever we do, it is out of our conscious or unconscious beliefs about what will ultimately lead to joy or misery. To lead your life with love, happiness and peace, you got to believe you deserve a life of love, peace and happiness. But most of our beliefs also are limited in nature because of our habitual negative thought patterns. If you want to change your life and create long-term happiness, you must be willing to change those beliefs that are holding you back.

Beliefs have the power to create both joy of misery

Your beliefs create your reality- that which you believe in, you attract it into your life be it joy or misery. Your belief in abundance will bring abundance into your life, when there is only scarcity in your beliefs, only scarcity will unfold. Similarly if you belief that destiny itself is a matter of choice, then there is nothing that can stop you from becoming what you wish to become. If we want to direct our lives, then we must take conscious control over our beliefs because when your belief becomes ‘can’, then the ‘how’ unfolds automatically.

Believing something can be done sets your mind in motion to find a way to do it. It is scientifically proven that when we change our perception or beliefs, we send totally different messages to our cells and reprogram their expression. You can reprogram your pessimistic cells to be more optimistic by adopting positive thinking practices, like mindfulness and gratitude. You can follow the path to your enlightenment by altering your current perception of “reality” by changing your belief system.

Your thoughts influence your beliefs

Changing your thoughts can help you transform your beliefs to be flowing in the direction of that which you want to. Your thoughts become emotions, which in turn make you act in a given way, creating habitual patterns in your life. So, choosing those thoughts that support and empower can make your beliefs more meaningful. Your thoughts should be in the best interest of not only what you want but also of others and have to be in congruence with right values. To reframe your beliefs, learn to observe your negative mindset and release the patterns that cause you or others harm, that bring you down and make you doubt your inner strength.

In reframing your belief,

• Your dominant thoughts and feelings have to be right.

• Your thinking process has to be in congruence to your willingness to go on the path enlightenment. And

• You should motivated to follow the path.

It really doesn’t matter which one of your beliefs is true, what matters is which one is most empowering and whether your beliefs are strengthening or weakening you. There are several ways to reprogram the subconscious mind and transform your belief system.

  • Visualisation: In visualisation, we focus on positive mental images in order to achieve a particular goal. It is the ability to vividly imagine what you want to be or your desire to “see” it in the mind’s eye—before it exists in any physical reality.
  • Affirmations: Affirmations are an effective way to plant positive messages into your subconscious. It is one of the most effective ways to change a limited or negative belief. Repetition of an affirmation changes the neural pathways in your brain over time to produce the new belief.
  • Meditation: Meditation plays a vital role in reprogramming the subconscious mind because it helps to still the mind. In this state, your brain becomes more receptive, it becomes fertile ground for whatever you want to “implant” into the mind.
  • Positive Self-talk: Perhaps the most powerful influence on your attitude and emotions is what you say to yourself and believe. By effectively managing your self-talk, you can begin to change your beliefs to positive.
  • Gratitude The best thing you can do to change your own belief system and feed new information into yourself is to develop the sense of gratitude. Being grateful for what you have is a powerful force in attracting what you desire more.

All battles are within ourselves, though we tend to think it’s external people, places and things that create our conditions. Thus, it’s important to consciously give our subconscious mind directives that coincide with our wishes, for only what we believe can we achieve. Reframe your limiting beliefs through visualisation, positive affirmations or self-talk, mindful awareness and by practicing gratitude.

To do,

Develop mindful awareness of your beliefs both empowering and disempowering. Think about the positive effects your empowering beliefs have on you. Similarly observe your limiting or negative beliefs and think of what are the consequences that these beliefs carry with them. Isolate such beliefs and question their longevity. The only reason you have held onto these beliefs might be because either you link pain to not believing or pleasure to keep it alive. Remember to question their validity so they no longer impact you. Asking yourself, “What will this belief ultimately cost my emotional/physical health, or my personal/ professional relationship?” Associating to what these beliefs have been costing you can help you let go of them. Create a new belief or you can use affirmations to consciously choose the beliefs that empower you and are most in alignment with the destiny you’ve chosen for yourself.

Observe how you feel like (confident, empowered and self-assured)about your new beliefs and practice these feelings to get comfortable with them. Trust in the new belief and take action from the new awareness or from the perspective of your new beliefs. This way, you can consciously choose empowering beliefs and create the vibrational atmosphere for what you want to manifest.

Through mindfulness and moments of introspection, we can sift through the intricacies of our thoughts, distinguishing what takes us toward our contentment and what moves us away from it. The decision always lies with us.

The Joy of being

“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.“- Eckhart Tolle

Each day of your life appears to consist of thousands of moments where different things happen. Yet if you look more deeply, this one moment-Now-is the only thing you can never escape from. No matter how much your life changes, only one thing is certain that is your present moment.

Having your attention in the Now lets your life unfold with ease. Yet we have a tendency to treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle or we feel we have a future moment to get to that is more important. The habitual tendency of resisting the present moment creates a constant undercurrent of unease, tension, discontent or anger.

Thoughts, emotions, perceptions, and whatever you experience make up the content of your life. You derive your sense of self from this content, or so you believe. In other words, your sense of Now becomes obscured by circumstances, your stream of thinking, thereby giving into confusion, anger, depression, and conflict. And so you experience I Am or the Now only faintly and indirectly. Whereas your innermost sense of I Am is one with the Now and it always remains the same as it is deeper than what happens in it. It is the space in which it happens. The space of Now always remains unchanged.

The ‘Now’ & your ‘conscious self’

The Now is inseparable from your conscious self. Being conscious doesn’t mean that you are constantly thinking of self. If the emphasis is on the “self” or on your successes and failures, or how you are being perceived or if you are worried about others’ opinion or judgment of you, you again remain ego centered and lose your actual sense of who you are and so too lose your present moment. Instead if you change the focus from ‘self’ to ‘consciousness’, then you begin to identify that you are not your emotions, experiences, perceptions, and thoughts. You are not the so believed content of your life, but you are the space in which all things happen and you are the consciousness itself and you are the Now.

When your emphasis is on ‘consciousness’, you come to understand that your authentic self always remains constant and your conscious experience is the one which is constantly changing and shifting and flowing smooth like a stream according to the ebb and flow of your thoughts and experiences of the world around you. A form that appears in your consciousness disappears as that experience dissolves. But most of us feel that our identity, our sense of self, is something incredibly precious that we don’t want to lose. The truth is you are not somebody who is aware of the thought, feeling, or experience. You are the awareness or consciousness in and by which those things appear. You cannot find yourself in the past or future. The only place where you can find your self is in the Now.

Finding your strength in ‘Now’

• The present moment is sometimes unacceptable, unpleasant, or awful. The continuous judgment creates anxiety, stress and unhappiness. By becoming aware of ebb and flow of your thought-patterns, you can step out of its resistance patterns. This way, your thoughts don’t draw you totally and the incessant stream of thinking slows down thereby creating a gap of no-mind. This can help you to step out of the content of your mind, and step into the Now.

• You become aware of your own essence which is your innermost sense of who you are. You will come to know that your innermost sense of who you are is eternal in you and that’s the only thing you cannot lose. Through this awareness, you can experience yourself as conscious being free of form, desire and fear and fully present in Now.

• Taking responsibility for this moment means not to oppose internally the ‘such ness’ of Now. Whatever the present moment contains, accept and work with it and not against it. when you no longer argue with what is, the compulsion to think lessens and is replaced by an alertness into Now.

• When you identify with your negative energy unconsciously, it rises up and tends to create further negative field making you a victim or perpetrator. But if you focus your attention consciously and observe by accessing the power of now and become a witness or watcher. you can break the pattern and it can no longer replenish itself through you.

When your attention moves into the Now, you find your strength. The more you live in the Now, the more you sense the joy of being.

To do

Mindfulness helps you to return to and stay in the present moment by slowing down the thoughts. It helps in balancing the mind and makes you realise that there is no control over past and future. Make it your practice to welcome the ease and joy of simply being. During your meditation process, practice being an observer of everything that you are experiencing. Notice everything that is arising and passing in your awareness without denial, resistance or judgment. Accept the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejeciting.

Your authentic self

“To become conscious and aware, we must become authentic. Authenticity is the highest form of being.” – Teal Swan

Almost everyone who is on the path to their enlightened state come across their other self. This other self is the subjective self which is more identified to our ego, past experiences, and perceptions. The more we concentrate on this other self, the more we resist to evolve or change. In our daily life, we are very much identified with the content of such subjective experience that happens from moment to moment. According to the dictionary meaning, being ‘subjective’ is “characteristic of or belonging to reality as perceived rather than as independent of mind.” The definition essentially says that when something is subjective, it has its basis inside of a person’s mind. When that is the case, most of our subjective experiences are thus ruled by our memories, biases, and prejudices. Such experiences create self-doubt, confusion about what we want, and we feel inauthentic and disconnected. Because of this, it becomes difficult for us to know which dimension of our self we are identifying with, resulting in an inner conflict.

Your subjective experiences are coloured by your own individual preferences past experiences, and emotional sensitivity. Whereas by developing an objective interest in the self or a strong sense of authentic self, you can avoid getting lost in the subjective drama of your inner experience and you can gain clarity on who you are. Objectivity occurs outside of the mind and is related to a phenomenon in the realm of sensible experience independent of individual thought and thus removes your subjective biases. Objective awareness improves self-esteem, creates a sense of purpose and helps you to cultivate better relationships.

‘Self’ & ‘Ego’

According to research, our authentic self has been suggested to be a core mechanism of stability in a world of continuous change. A clearly conceived ‘self’ can be used to guide behavior in consistent, personally meaningful, and fulfilling ways.” And to achieve enlightenment is to know the fundamental distinction in the nature and expression of our ‘self’. Evolution of your own consciousness occurs in the manifestation of dimension of self. And in this manifestation, there is a part of you that wants to evolve, and there is a part of you that definitely does not want to and puts up a fierce resistance to change. This part forces your mind to come up with reasons that uphold its feelings and demands. Many people who are interested in evolving their consciousness don’t actually change is because unknowingly, they identify more with the dimension of self that doesn’t want to evolve. Your ‘ego’ is the part that doesn’t want to evolve where as your authentic self is the one that wants to. ‘Self‘ and the ‘ego‘ are two completely different dimensions of who you are, and like parallel lines, they never meet. This is the reason most of us live in a deeply divided and conflicted state.

To consciously evolve,

you need to become one with your ‘authentic self’. This can be achieved in the long run only by being in meditative state. Mindful people have a stronger sense of their authentic self. But you eventually fall back into the personal world that the ego creates. And through all this you get confused and are just aware of the rise and fall of different emotional states. Being aware of the important distinctions between the different dimensions of your own self, one moment to another, is an important part of gaining conscious awareness. While you are meditating, if you experience resistance to change, there is no need to be disturbed or frustrated. you need to understand that this is the inertia of your own ego. Try and restrain yourself from expressing the negative in your actions, feelings and thoughts. Strive to nurture the reciprocal positive within yourself.

When you learn to be awake to each dimension of your own self as it is arising,

• You develope an objective view of your authentic self. Then you no longer get lost in the subjective fluctuations of your own experiences.

• You achieve mindful awareness and respond to your thoughts and feelings in deliberate, non-reactive, and non-judgmental ways.

• You will gain clarity of your self-concept by developing stable, clear, and un-conflicted view of yourself.

• You achieve a state of well-being through self-acceptance, independence and control over your environment, relationships, your experience of personal growth and purpose in life.

By developing objective awareness, you may increase the likelihood of accepting self, which may increase your willingness of being mindful to explore and examine the self. As a result, we tend to become more familiar or friendly with ourselves and may be more willing to take a clear look in the mirror. 

“You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.”– Amy Poehler

To Do

• Sit in silence and focus your attention within to find the manifestation of dimension of self. Bring your conscious objective awareness to your every thought and feeling. Recognise how they arise, duration, and dissolution. Observe the changes that take place in your mind and observe which dimension of your self you are identifying with. Do not turn your mind to a battlefield by judging or suppressing your unruly thoughts. Accept yourself with all positives and negatives. Slowly your negative dimension of self will recede, as it will not get nourishment. Enjoy the constant fluctuations of the dimensions of self instead of resisting, when you do that, you can disconnect with your egoic self that doesn’t want to evolve and can become one with your authentic self.

The power of forgiveness

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.” – Bernard Meltzer

There are many ways to walk the path of enlightenment and forgiveness is one of them. Forgiveness is essential for growth and continued happiness, but whether you are seeking or someone else is seeking it from you, or even if you are trying to forgive yourself for things you’ve done, it is easier said than done. When you do not flow freely with life in present moment, it usually means you are holding on to a past moment. It can be regret, sadness, hurt, fear, or guilt, blame anger or resentment. Each of these states comes from a space of unfogiveness. Unless you let go or forgive yourself, or other person or situation, you cannot live freely in the present moment.

Forgiveness is defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, or condoning or excusing offences, but it is a shift in your thoughts from resentment or revenge to accept and let go. Letting go of deeply held negative feelings empowers you to recognise the pain you suffered without letting that define you thereby enabling you to move forward. Those who forgive easily have less anger, less stress and less rumination compared to those who hold on to their anger and pain.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone – you are the one getting burned.” – Buddha

Holding resentment and anger against people for things that occurred in the past can impact your health and well-being. Carrying your unresolved issues weighs you down and blocks you from achieving your present goals. Resentment and pent up anger can be extremely damaging both emotionally and physically. Many illnesses and mental conditions are directly linked to negative emotions that hamper your present moment awareness. The past can never be changed. Yet we can change our thoughts about the past. To release the past, you must be willing to forgive. You need to choose to release the past and forgive everyone, yourself included.

You do not know how to forgive and may not want to forgive, but if you develop the willingness to forgive, you can release yourself from the negative thinking and emotional patterns. Whatever your pain or situation, you must develop a forgiving mind. Seeing forgiveness as a process can help you develop a forgiving mind.

To develop a forgiving mind,

  • Recall the hurt and think about how you have been hurt. How were you wronged and how has it affected you? Do not avoid what has happened and what it is that you are feeling. Understand the events that triggered your hurt. You can confess all your hostile feelings to the person who wronged you by meeting him or her face-to-face or you can also do so by visualising the person seated across from you.
  • Partake in the actual work of forgiveness. Try to understand the motivations or context that may have contributed towards their wrongdoing from objective standpoint. Offer them compassion and empathy.
  • Accept the pain of what has happened and people as they are and release them from any responsibility to meet your expectations. When you begin to forgive as an act of will, you can let go of the negative emotions or thoughts.
  • Make commitment to forgive. Forgiveness must be a free choice that someone arrives at on their own. Once you forgive and let go, you may start to release negative emotions and see the personal freedom that comes with forgiveness. You may also realise how you too are in need of forgiveness from others in the process.

Forgiveness allows us to release negative emotions and can help us repair and renew relationships. To forgive is to accept and approve yourself as you are. Creating a space of acceptance and letting go of past experiences and forgiving people or situations will set you free from the pressure and weight of an unforgiving attitude.

To-do

If you find yourself emotionally stuck, it means that there is forgiving to be done. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and allow your mind and body to relax. Then imagine the person you resent the most or people who are hardest to forgive. What would you like to do to them? What do they need to do to get your forgiveness? Ask yourself how willing are you to forgive, accept and to let these things go. List all the things you are willing to do to forgive and to seek forgiveness of others. Some experiences are easy to let go and for some you need time, but practicing makes it easier to develop a forgiving attitude and gives you a chance to make a new beginning.

The Beginner’s Mind

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” – Shunryu Suzuki

As children, we all start off with beginner’s mind living with spontaneity, not knowing or not being sure of, yet fearless and totally available to the moment. But as we grow and become familiar of things, mind tries to take over calling up memories, creating expectations and fears which stops us from connecting to the present moment. As adults, we tend to live with stress and anxiety, spending all our time trying to anticipate and plan for the future and lamenting the past. We get so concerned about future that we forget to embrace the present moment. Most of our thoughts and emotions are either from our past or future. These past perceptions determine our response to the outside world making us closed to new experiences. As a result, we lose our enthusiasm and free thinking as adults and the only way to regain them is by developing ‘beginner’s mind’ or Shoshin.

The Zen Buddhist term, Shoshin, which means ‘beginner’s mind’ emphasises that only when you are a true beginner, can you really learn anything, like how we learned as children for the first time. Shoshin refers to the idea of letting go of your preconceptions and having an attitude of openness. It teaches you to be mindful, humble and modest to the information around you so as to help you to learn best and impart knowledge. Relying on assumptions and habitual modes creates limiting mental patterns. Approaching your life circumstances without assumptions and preconceptions leads to different experiences. ‘Beginner’s mind’ or Shoshin equips you with the tools to tackle the problems without becoming overwhelmed and with a fresh perspective. It helps you to think and act freely, to discover and invent your world from moment to moment with interest and curiosity.

To cultivate beginner’s mind, you need to be aware of your present moment and more than anything else, you should put an effort to reclaim and expand the present moment to open yourself to new possibilities and deeper understanding. The idea of ‘not, nothing’ or ‘no mind’ is closer to openness and awareness and is important to be attentive, mindful and observant of the present moment. This way you can learn to live deeply connected to the present moment so that your sense of self drops away.

A beginner’s mind is empty and ready for new things and to experience life in a way that is unburdened by past and previous knowledge. It is only by paying full attention to what is happening in now that you can respond mindfully and effectively to your past emotions be it positive or negative. Moreover, gaining knowledge with a beginner’s mind leads to positive psychological qualities that make your life more happy and meaningful.

To embrace the concept of shoshin or beginner’s mind,

• Learn to focus only on the present. The past is unchangeable so it is futile to reflect on it unless you are making sure you do not repeat past mistakes. The future is but a result of your actions today. So break the old pattern of present-moment denial and present moment resistance. Make it your practice to withdraw attention from past and future whenever they are not needed.

• Develop an endless curiosity about everything. Become an explorer and keep your mind devoid of self-centric thoughts and emotions. This way you can more easily connect with your surroundings and can be more aligned with nature. Stop and observe all of the little things as completely unique events. Try new things. Get out of your comfort zone and try to experience as many different environments as possible.

• Make use of your experience. Don’t negate with it, but keep an open mind on how to apply it to each situation. When considering anything, try taking on the view point of ‘yes, no, maybe’ rather than choosing one perspective. Embrace more openness with regard to your judgments.

• Practice don’t know mind. Let go of know it all attitude and need to win every argument in a discussion. Focus more on listening rather than wanting to add value. Being at peace with state of not knowing keeps you at ease with the moments when faced with something about which you have no idea about and you can face challenging moments with openness.

It is never too late to enjoy the freedom and spontaneity of childhood. When you cultivate beginner’s mind, you can free yourself from expectations, can relieve yourself from stress, preconception, and prejudice. With beginner’s mind, you experience the present moment fully and be open to new possibilities.

To-Do

Start by becoming aware of distracting thoughts and feelings throughout the day, while eating, walking, or doing other activities. See if you can give much more attention to the doing than to the result that you want to achieve through it. Be spontaneous and disregard the fear of failure or worry about the future moment. Set your intention to let go of distracting thoughts and emotions, so that you can create inner space and connect fully to your present moment. Regain your beginner’s mind by being mindful in your activities and tasks.

A ‘right’ state of mind

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.”

The subconscious mind of a person can have both good and evil. The evil gets attracted to the dark thoughts whenever it can find the chance to catch a person off-guard and can take control of a person’s mind. And also as we live our everyday lives and come into constant contact with others, we tend to be swayed by an incessant flow of thoughts, and it is difficult to guard your thoughts and to know the true self that lies deep within us. So how can you achieve a right state of mind to connect to your true self?

To attune your mind to a right state, you need to examine your state of mind as compared to more serene nature or the true self. When you reflect deeply on your own mind and kind of thoughts you have as you do when you sit in meditation, the part of you that is true and honest will emerge. This is your true Buddha nature or your authentic self. Examining your own thoughts and deeds from the perspective of this “true self’ is the very essence of Noble Eightfold Path.

Noble Eightfold Path, in Buddhism is an early formulation of the path to enlightenment. The idea of Eightfold Path appears in what is regarded as the first sermon of the founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama known as Buddha which he delivered after he attained his enlightenment through meditation. He began to feel that in order to convey the enlightenment he attained, he needed to develop an expedient method that would appeal to the hearts of people. He also felt the need to teach the truth in a way that was different from others of those times. His teachings are centred on an objective of attaining a ‘right’ state of mind through self-reflection. Here are the eight check points of Noble Eightfold path against which you can examine your thoughts and actions and can attain ‘right’ state through contemplation.

RIGHT VIEW

Seeing rightly means seeing things as they truly are without any bias, delusions or distortions, and being free of all prejudice. Seeing in Right View is about how to perceive  what you have seen and each one has a different view of the action of others.  It is important to know how to reflect objectively on how you perceive what you see. By reflecting both on positive and negative points of view, you can manage to trace the basic reasons for a negative way of seeing others and their actions. This way, you can remove negative thinking by analysing things according to the laws of cause and effect.

RIGHT THOUGHT

Thoughts come and go in the mind all day long like waves. The first important step you need to take is to know your thoughts. If you find you have been harbouring wrong thoughts, you need to admit to this and try to correct the mistakes you have made in your thinking. Taking some time to be quiet and reflecting on the thoughts that have been on your mind, you can achieve ‘right’ state of mind and can regularly check and can make an effort to correct your thoughts.

RIGHT SPEECH

Words we speak can be a good indicator of the character of the person who utters them. If you are worried or feeling depressed, you are more likely to utter negative words. These words bring unhappiness to you as well as others. So examining the kinds of words you have used during the day can be a useful checkpoint for self-reflection. Right Speech is abstinence from lies, deceptions, backbiting and abusive speech.

RIGHT ACTION

Right Action is interpreted as a right way of working. It is important to check whether the objective of your work has right conscience and is in alignment with your ‘true self’. In doing your work, you should maintain harmonious relationships and aim for the happiness of a greater number of people. Practicing right action that is honest, peaceful and compassionate can bring you ‘right’ state of mind.

RIGHT EFFORT

Right Effort is making a diligent effort on the path of truth. To practice right effort is to ask yourself whether you are making a constant effort towards your self-development. Seek to make the balance between following the spiritual path and s moderate life that is not over-zealous and to develop a wholesome state of mind.

RIGHT LIVELIHOOD

Right livelihood is using your time, each month and each year in the right and effective way. Self-reflection from the perspective of living a fulfilled life or living rightly is to reflect on each day of your life. Through this practice, you will probably find a great deal in yourself that could be improved. By avoiding work that causes suffering to others and by living virtuously, you can achieve ‘right’ state of mind.

RIGHT MINDFULNESS

The discipline of Right Mindfulness is reflecting on what your dreams or goals are and also what is the ideal image you have of yourself in your own mind. The discipline of Right Mindfulness is controlling your will power that is directed towards these set objectives which are right and are in the spirit of happiness and success of others as well.  Being mindful of your thought, speech and action, you can get rid of self-centered thoughts.

RIGHT CONCENTRATION

No matter how well informed you maybe, no matter how highly developed your intellectual abilities, without right concentration, you cannot attain right state of mind. When you attain Right Concentration , your potential of your mind increases. By self-reflecting on the path of Right Concentration, you can identify with your inner self as an integral part of your outer world.

Your true self is an underlying, basic, and most subtle nature of mind. By reflecting on your true nature and bringing about discipline within the mind by following these eight disciplines, you can live a life that is in accordance with your ‘true self’.

To-Do

Carve out some time each day either in the evenings or at the break of the day to examine your thoughts and actions on each of these checkpoints. Pay attention to your resistances and examine yourself when frustrations or fears surface.  Accept responsibility for your mistakes, attitudes and emotions. Make being virtuous as your priority with simple behavioural patterns if required. Perfecting the eight disciplines paves way to know your true self and putting them into action leads to further self-development, awareness, new choices, and new changes in thought.

Next: The Beginner’s Mind

A different perspective

“Enlightenment is not a change into something better or more, but a simple recognition of who we truly already are.” Anonymous

When we look at the world today, we see an existence that is driven by consumerism, or work, or fame. Even though we made our lives comfortable and prosperous then before, we have developed a distaste to the idea of values as they have failed to bring us satisfaction and happiness and as a result, we are disconnected from our true nature and got drowned in meaninglessness and despair. The futility of many societal norms make you reject values and meaning in life altogether. We cannot cope with modern world by running away or by destroying them or by ignoring them. The only way of transcending them is by developing a more enlightened view, from where we can live according to our own inner laws and act out our own set of values.

Every day we are confronted with various choices and too many decisions packed into too little time — from which brand to pick, to nutritional choices, to what curriculum choice, what investments to opt for and to which career choice. This paradox of choice also fuels anxiety, depression and restlessness resulting in confusion, indecisiveness, and decision paralysis. Often with so many choices, we are frequently questioning what the right choice is and rarely feel satisfied, because there is always something better out there that we missed.  At some point, we lose ourselves and become caricatures of who we think we should be. However, we cannot rid ourselves of this complexity by running away from them. We can only prevent ourselves from getting consumed by it. Taking some time to rediscover your inner self can help you in making choices which lead to your happiness and growth. When you are centered in yourself and your own values, you will be able to discover your own moral code or inner law that can help you distinguish between those things that dissipate your energies and those that add up to help you build the life you want.

Getting to know your true self empowers and opens up real choices. Developing an enlightened view lets you see your unconditional and unchangeable parts of your being and takes you in right direction to make the right choice. Inner law doesn’t refer to being guided by your feelings, desires or by doing whatever you feel like. To attain an enlightened vision, you must be willing to look at the world from a larger perspective instead of subjective point of view. This way, you can respond to your life’s experiences without being affected by success or failure, winning or losing, or by approval or disapproval of others. Viewing things from an enlightened perspective is about making choices that add to your well-being, it’s about climbing only as far up on your career ladder as is creative and satisfying; it’s about choosing things that give you genuine enjoyment rather than being driven by external influences.

Bringing your conscious awareness to your present moment by taking few moments to catch yourself in the act of living can attune you to your true self.  Self-awareness can help you do what needs to be done in the moment. In other words, enlightened self comes from a perspective of “what needs to be done” and not from the selfish perspective of “I’ll do whatever I want.”

Enlightened point of view isn’t subjective, selfish, or individualistic. But It’s a clearer understanding of what needs to be done and what you are capable of in any given moment and that depends on your unlimited potential of your inner self. When you flow with the process of life without feeling triggered or reactive in any way, you can accept outer world as just an extension of your present moment. Develop an enlightened perspective to identify the essence of a thing, to give it value and to have a sense of awe of the world around you.

To-Do

Schedule some time in a day to meditate in order to witness, view, and accept your fears, anxieties, strengths, and limitations of body and mind. Regular practice can help you create a space and time to monitor your mental-emotional state and to get to know yourself better. What are you doing? Are you at ease with your present moment? Are you enjoying the task you are engaged in? Just spend little time to attain an enlightened perspective to chart a successful journey.

Next: A ‘right‘ State Of Mind